A simple letter…

I see everyone who is in a long distance relationship posting about how much they miss their significant other but one thing i realized is it’s all stuff that seems to cupcakey. So here is my post for her.

I know we fight a lot about stupid things and it all basically is about the same thing. I know I’ve brought up a million things that just caused us to grow so far apart that it seems like fighting is the only thing we have left or the only thing we can do. I know I have issues that I have to work on and I understand that there are things that you may think you need to work on. I have made this relationship almost the most impossible thing for you to deal with. We’ve been brought down by people. We’ve forgotten about each other. We’ve put comforting each other after everything else. And we’ve let things impact us. When I say we, I mean you and me. One person on each side of things. You’ve gotten hurt by me and i’ve gotten hurt by you. Whether it was something one of us said or something one of us have done. To me…I don’t care how much you hurt me because you have brought me to a place where I am no longer weak. Of course my legs still tremble when I see you walking towards me. My lip still quivers before you’re about to kiss me. My body grows weak in every hug that melts both of our bodies together. But the thing that you have made me strong in is me being me. I’m strong enough to get hurt and continue moving. I’m strong enough to fall flat on my face and pick everything up and stand tall. Let me stop and these past few sentences. You have made me strong enough to realize that God is in me and He is my center. Because of God placing you into my life, I have become stronger. Now I know, I have my moments where I don’t want to be close with God and moments like those happen, but you’ve shown me that I don’t need to walk alone ever again. Right now, things may seem rocky and to me it seems almost impossible to ever get back to how we were but the few things I’m 100% sure about is that I love you, I’m IN LOVE with you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and that your heart is secured next to mine. I’m truly sorry for everything that I have put you through and I know you’re probably thinking “it’s ok lol” but it hasn’t been okay to me. I sometimes feel as if the love we have is dying yet I see those posts and realize how much more in love with you I am. If I could be quite honest, I fall more and more in love with you every single second. The reason I’ve been blank with you the past few days is because I’m scared that I’m the only one that’s in love like this. It scares me because I know you love me as well but I don’t feel it sometimes. Our relationship has been up and down and recently I haven’t been me but everyday I still pray that you’ll be kept safe and that you will remember that I’m yours. You’re the most beautiful girl in the entire world and I can’t fathom not being your prince so please, I ask with my huge heart, that has seemed to disappear recently, will you just stick with me through the pain, be there through the rain, and most importantly fall in love with me more than you have ever been before? I miss you a lot and I miss us and I know you miss me, so lets stop our “shenanigans” and fall in love with each other ten million times more than we did last summer. I hope you read this whole thing and smile and even shed a tear because you can feel it. I love you and I miss you and I promise you that I’m back for good.

Love,

Jeremy

My girlfriend.

So i’m on oovoo with this beautiful girl. She’s one of the most amazing girls that anyone would ever meet. I don’t know theres something about her. She’s everything that i want. She’s everything i need. She’s more than just a lyric in a song. She’s my girlfriend. I have never been happier and to everyone out there who is like what the heck?! My bestfriend is my girlfriend and i know that i’m gunna spend my life with her. Wherever we are. I love her and i don’t care who knows. She’s mine. God got us. No doubt. I just fall in love with her all over again every day. I never felt like this before. I thought i did but it wasn’t as real as this. It only feels like i’m living a dream right now because i was living a nightmare before and now reality is finally amazing. She can do a lot better than me but she doesn’t want that. She wants me. Idk why but i’ll accept that. Babe if you’re reading this. I love you and whenever you come across this I hope you smile and remember everything that God has for us. Have a great day/night to everyone else. <333

God

Me and God. God and I. I usually post things that are incredibly stupid. Things that would make you do the o__O face. The thing thats different about this one is God. One day i’m going to be at the line of heaven and hell and God’s going to either accept me into his kingdom or he’s just going to say “Depart, i never knew you.” This has been my struggle. If my time came right now what would he say. We constantly do stupid things like he will always accept us as long as we accept him into our hearts but he is God and we are man and he doesn’t need us to accept him. It’s basically saying “God, i acknowledge you and i see what you have done. Now i accept you.” God doesn’t need our acceptance. Instead of saying accept Jesus into your heart we should be saying Let Jesus come into your heart and break the bondage that the devil had on you. Thats what being saved is all about. Being saved doesn’t equal accepting God, Being saved = Knowing God is breaking those chains. Some of you are probably like this kid has it all wrong but just think. of this…we walk around being complete jerks to some people because you don’t accept their personality, way of life or just who they are. We treated God like he was nothing and now we say accept Jesus into your heart? Shouldn’t we be praying that God accepts us to him? You either get ACCEPTED into heaven or thrown into hell. It’s as simple as that. Going back to my first thought. Where do i stand? At this point in my life, i’m done. The problem with that statement is done is such a lose term. I can be done being bad, i can be done with life, i can be done with almost anything but i’m done with something else. I’m done losing this battle God put me in. He knows i will stand victorious and that i can win. But i am finally done trying so hard to do something to just quit and be done with it. I guess what i am trying to say is that i am done being done. I don’t care who i lose at this point. My objective in life is clear to me and my purpose is shining brightly in front of my face. Only God knows what i will do with it and only I know my full potential. If i lose you then God bless you but if you want to join me going forward then hope you’re ready for the ride of your life. God has everything planned out, now it’s time for me to change and go for it. Amen.

Friends….kinda

Theres also people who will claim to be your friend. There will always be that person that you think is your best friend but sooner or later they will just turn around and go against you. Then there are some friends who no matter what will always be there even when you least expect it. Sometimes we feel like no matter what we do we will always be blamed and then someone who we think is a friend only makes that worst. “Thats your fault” is a killer especially when someone says that to you and you know that it isn’t your fault at all. What is a real friend? To be honest, i only have two real friends at the moment. Throughout it all, they were never done with me but they were always there to help me throughout the times where everyone left. That makes me think. How can people still act like they’re your friends when in all actuality they aren’t? It’s funny when all they ever do is put you down. Sometimes all you can do is just walk away. How much can you really walk away from though? Walk away from the entire friendship? You stay because “well they’re my friend..” But if they were your friend would they want to see you break down to the very bottom where you’re at a point where you don’t even know what to do anymore..We act like everyone is our friend and like we can talk to everyone about our life but to be completely honest, i know i can’t talk to anyone about whats wrong. Last night i gave everything to God. One of those things happened to be those “friends.” If they have a problem with it then too bad. After being blamed all the time by every single person on this planet…i realized..IT’S NOT MY FAULT! I don’t care what you say if you say it is because no matter what I don’t need your approval. God made me who i am and whatever i did he forgave. If you don’t forgive me then too bad! I learned a lot last night. I have a greater purpose that what i think. The worship with 2 other people that lasted an hour and a half was just the beginning. I’m no longer going to let people get me down. Especially those people who put me down and blame me yet still have the nerve to call me there friend. It’s time to live the life God wants me to live.

God’s with me.

This week was _________. I just really have no words to describe it and even if i tried to describe it the word doesn’t exist. I messed up almost every friendship that i wanted to keep in my life. Yeah to be honest, i understand that almost everyone leaves your life and they aren’t in it forever but there are those few that stay in your life no matter what. I guess i didn’t find those people but i know for a fact that these people could’ve been those people. I just pushed them way tooo far and now they most likely want nothing to do with me. Throughout my mistakes this week, i started to realize so many things tho.

1. Being 15 different people makes you lose the real you.

2. When you try to lose those 15 people you acted like and start being you it’s like taking your first steps in life and you get confused a lotttttt.

3. When people help way too much they get fed up when its a constant thing thats happening.

4. There are people who care about people.

5. Through every situation…GOD will be there.

Now it was kinda hard this week especially since i felt ODee alone and felt like i was slipping away from everyone and everything but 2 nights ago, my eyes were basically opened. My suite mate is an amazing person and is a really good friend. He told me He actually wants to be friends with me even tho all this stuff is going on. Even tho he was on the line of giving up on me, he still wants to be there to help me. I was also told that i’m a grown man and whatever i do is up to me and no one can tell me what to do because if imma do something then imma do it. That hit me hard. Everyone thinks i’m doing something bad when i went home to take a much needed break from the outside world..I don’t drink, i don’t smoke, and i don’t party so why does everyone think that i’m going to do that? Yeah i may have been a little dumb and believed someone when they said take me home for something when they had different intentions. But seriously i didnt even know they were going for that. If that makes me a bad person for taking peoples word then fine, i’m a horrible person. I’ve been so emotionally broken that idk who is telling me the truth anymore and imma just NOT believe anything anyone says. I had that wall around my heart and it was broken down all the way. I was almost at the point where i can take off that costume but i had to throw it back on. When someone had a talk with me the other night, i took it off and i decided that i’m gunna be me. I realized the only place to find myself also. God. He’s the only thing that will get me through anything and He will be the only thing that will always be there. To get back on track i decided to delete my facebook because all i saw was people trying to get at me and get into my business. I stopped posting on twitter until i had something to post that would mean something. I stumbled across Joshua 1:9 and it told me God will be with me whenever and wherever i go. I’m on the steps to getting on track. I left the room i was in and closed the door. Now all i have to do is run toward the door at the end of the hallway that belongs to God. I know i can do it because all i’ve been doing is praying and reading the bible which is a huge step for me.  I’m sorry to all the people i have hurt and i sure do hope you all can forgive me. I’m being myself and i’m being real from now on. No more costume and no more anything. I’m at the the end of the line and all the worldly music has even been deleted from my itunes and phone. We’ll see in time how God wants you in my plan but as for now, Thank you for reading and God bless.

Late night thoughts.

I was reading parts of the bible and things came into my head about the way I use to be when things came down to Christ and I. I would never give thanks for the one who saved my life. I would never give thanks for the one who gave his life on the cross. The only time i would talk with God is when I wanted something from Him. Whatever it was, whether it was a sign I needed, whether a family member was severely in pain or hurt, whether I needed a quick life saver, praying to God wasn’t me talking with the one who laid down His life for me but it was merely asking for things from a man I wasn’t sure existed. It’s almost like this..picture this with me…It’s December, you’re sitting at home on a snowy night. The christmas tree is up and so are all of your decorations. You’re mother and father are upstairs in there room. You’re in your room thinking about the upcoming holiday and how you want a certain item. You think about the girl/guy in your life who has become very important to you. The thoughts of “Oh, what should i get him/her?” race through your mind. You think about what YOU want to get and what YOU want to receive on that day more than thinking of what the other person wants, and what you should receive. As a child growing up with hardly any knowledge of the meaning of christmas, you write a note to Santa Clause. As the years pass, you only write to Santa when you really want to get the point of what you want to your parents who you already found out puts the gifts under the tree and buys them. You don’t necessarily believe in Santa but you think why not ask for things from him. It’s christmas eve and under the tree there is nothing. You’re waiting to see if maybe Santa is real and he actually comes in the house and drops off gifts instead of your parents coming downstairs and putting them out. As the clock hits midnight you realize it’s christmas and you don’t think Santa will come, so you walk up to your room and go to sleep. The next morning, what is under the tree? Gifts! Is it always what you want? No! But does it work out for you? YES! Now take this situation. Relate it to coming to Christ. At first we come to Christ when we need something or when we want something. Every thought of what you want comes across your mind. Never do you think well what does God want for me and want for my life. Knowing what you want, you ask God for it like you ask Santa. Times get hard so you look to others for what you want, like you ask your mother and father for something on Christmas. As a last option you look to God for what you really want. You aren’t strong with God so when you ask him for stuff it’s like why not. You wait and you wait for this thing you asked for from God to come but it doesn’t come. You do everything you can to make it happen or for it to come but it never did. You then say God didn’t give me what i wanted. Just like you say Santa never got me what i wanted and just take what your parents/friends give you. You lose sight on your beliefs just to get what isn’t meant to be or meant to happen. The blessings God gives you aren’t always what you want. Is it what you end up wanting? YES. God makes it so that everything He gives you, you use to preach His word or to be the light and glorify Him. Of course, Santa Clause is not real and I believe and know that God is. The point i’m trying to get across is we go to God only when we need something. When I started my walk with Christ, no way was it easy or consistant. I would go to God randomly then take a long break in between. Would i call myself a christian at the time? Yes. Was i really? NO. Did i ever read the bible everyday to build my relationship with God? No. Was there a relationship there? No. Now the relationship i had with God was more like a man going to a mechanic to get parts of his car fixed so he can keep going until he needs help again. Something i don’t really talk about is one of my “relations” with a certain female. (I won’t give everything just a point) One thing we claimed was that we were of christ and followers of Him. How was i a follower of Christ, if all i would do is talk to her, tell her my problems, idolize her and yet i wouldn’t even bring it up to God? I was no where close to God. I only went to get an “oil change” every once in a while with Him. The relationship needed was something i can’t even compare to but when i came to Christ, the girls came first, the greed came first, the cursing came first, but the second a problem came, “God, why!” Looking at who I was then to who God is making me is definitely a difference. The past is done. God cleared that up for me. The future…He has every part of it in His hands and He knows the gifts he has given me. I may not like it at first but in the end what God wants is what I want. I’m here to spread God not to run to Him when things go wrong. Of course when times go wrong, run to Him but once it gets right, don’t stop running to Him. Late night thought, thank you and God bless.

#3000tweet

#3000tweet…this has been running thru my mind for a while. What will i do it on? Who will it involve? Theres always those special people or special moments that you want to dedicate things to but i can’t live trying to dedicate my whole life around them. You know i wouldn’t have any of this if it wasn’t for God. I’ve came to the face death yet i’m still alive. I’ve been so blessed with so many things that i can’t dedicate or wait for the right moment to do this tweet/tumblr post. I thank God. This number 3000 isnt even that important but why should i dedicate it to a certain situation or someone who i find special. Earlier i was gunna dedicate it to how it feels good to have talks with people i hardly ever talk with. I’m happy God came into my life and is doing the work that he is doing. Even tho i mess up, it’s not where i start but its where i’m going. If it was where i started, i would be a cursing low life who didn’t know what God had planned for in his life. You know if it wasn’t for God, i wouldn’t have a loving family who loves me to the end of the world and back, no matter how hard it gets. I wouldn’t be blessed with all of my closest friends who can put up with me and deal with all the nonsense i do. I wouldn’t have had my best friend which just happens to be the most beautiful girl who is straight up amazing and everything about her is just wonderful. Even though things don’t go my way i know that God will get me thru everything and anything. Last week i was punching walls yet at the end of the night i ran to something bigger than me and someone who can help me deal with all my problems. GOD. I may have messed up, i may have went to wrong things but at the end of the day it’s me and God. I heard “don’t do you, do whats right.” My whole life i’ve been trying to do me and trying to get by on what I CAN DO, but if i just did what GOD WANTED TO DO things would’ve been different. Not one second do i regret the risks i take and the things i say because living with regrets or living with something you didn’t do or say would just eat me up inside which would make it worst. I love God with all my heart and i know that He is about to totally change everything in me and to be completely honest…i’m happy and i know everything will work out just fine. So i guess this tumblr post was the best way to do this 3000th tweet since i couldn’t get what i wanted to say out in 160 letters. I love you all and i thank God for all of you. It’s much easier giving him everything then just trying to do things by yourself. Trust me lol. Hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it. To the past…Goodbye, i’m onto the next chapter. Wellllllllllllll in closing trust God and GOD bless.:) #walkingawaywithasmileonmyface

My mind at the moment.

Dear you,

I’m walking away not because i want to but because i have to. I don’t see myself in the future anymore. I see myself out of place with my decisions. I see the suit on. I see the conniving ways of a man trying to make it. I see late nights working while my wife is at home putting the kids to sleep. I see the man i never want to be. I see the douchebag i’ve created. Who’s choice is it? Mine. I never wanna see my wife being alone when she puts OUR children to sleep. I never wanna see the person i said i would never be. I never want to be that douchebag. But like i said, who’s choice is it? Now its the worlds. Do i let the world come for me and make me the person they want me to be? NO. I’m gunna tell you all the truth. Jeremy Khatri doesn’t exist. That name is just a name. His social security number is fake. Everything he has told you is a lie. He’s drawn too much attention to himself and now his plan blew up! He’s a monster, a fraud, a liar, and the worst thing about him is he’s ME. I know everything about myself and believe me when i say i’m a liar because look at this whole paragraph…most is a lie. I’m real in a sense. I wouldn’t say i’m a body walking on earth but merely just a spirit that has been seen. The next couple days to weeks every account ever known to be belonged by “Jeremy Khatri” will be terminated/suspended. That name will no longer match that face. That name will no longer be searchable. That name will no longer exist. Neither will this post. Believe me yet? A strong point I have is acting like everything is okay when it’s not, THE START OF THE LIES. The end of the lie was creating myself. Theres no middle because you decided that in your mind. Am i right? Based on what i told you, you determined what kind of person “Jeremy Khatri” was. Soo in reality, you JUDGED me. I heard only God can judge me? You’re judging me right now so technically God isn’t the only one. His opinion of me is the only one that matters tho. I dropped out of college today. Thats the truth…or maybe it’s a lie. They messed up all my classes making it so i only was taking 3 courses…that just sucks. How many times has a person or an organization screwed you over? You’re the only one who knows that. I think it’s funny when people leave my life because it frightens me yet I leave a lot of peoples life. Dying would be easiest to leave tho. Pshhh..i ain’t dying tho. Just changing my name, stealing an identity and running? Who says i haven’t done that already? Who really knows you? What life are you leading? Are you telling people the truth, or are you telling them what YOU want to tell them because you know that you’re creating a personality of this WORLD THAT DOESNT FIT YOU! You carry that heavy burden because your father is an asshole and knows it, because your girlfriend cheated on you, because you don’t want to see your ex happy with someone else yet all they do is lead you on, because the whole world spaces you out and when you talk NO ONE listens. How about because you were just told that the person you fell in love is acting like everything between you two is just DANDY yet she knows losing you would SUCK so now you just sit back like a punching bag as you fight and wanna leave so when you leave you both know that you both FUCKED UP. How about because you’re too afraid to let your past go so you hold onto everything ever lost and try to make things right yet at the same time you just know you need to let it go. How about because one day you think you’re good but by then end of the day you realize you’re a mess. Jeremy Khatri- Just Evil Really Explaining (the) Many Y’s. Kinda Having A Truthful Realization In…EVERYTHING. My name explains little to you but a lot to me. What do i believe in? God. Who am i to go against him? Man. Who tells me to go against him? The world. Who is responsible of that? Satin. Who comes at the end? God. Thru everything i wrote just now, i showed what went thru my mind in my darkest hours so far over this break. I want to serve God and i want him to do work in my life but i’m having those doubts if its me he’s calling or if i’m suppose to do that. Joshua 1:9- “No matter what God is watching over you, the future that you have seen is not set in stone. God has you in the palm of his hand.” I’m worried because i’m scared. The next 18 days or whatever it is that i have break, i’m gunna disappear because i need to find the name i kept mentioning above. All the stories i’ve been telling are true. The last made up situation i said was in June so people i’ve met recently, you’ve heard my truths not my lies. I don’t mean to hurt anyone at all. Just pray for me. You’ll hear from me in a while from now.

Sincerely,

Jeremy

Poetry #1

I heard that the cuts on the wrist aren’t as deep as the ones on the heart. I tested it out and the pain doesn’t come close, but in the end they both end with a scar. A scarred heart and a scarred wrist, with nothing left in my mind. Like a lost soul with no future, i decided to accept my life’s decline. I was a screw up who grew up just trying to find truth in my cold lies. On the line between the future and the past i saw it was my time to decide. What will i do and what will i choose? Lose the future and stay in the past like a winner who will lose? I see the light in the future and i see how it can be potentially brighter. But as of right now, its as bright as when its sunny and my future is as bright as a lighter. I hear i’m a lover not a fighter but the truth is i’m losing the fight and i’m as pale as death,  like bleach i’m getting whiter. Now whiter should be good especially when you’re lost in the dark. But to be honest it’s not especially when i’m feeling like Noah drowning with no ark. I built a wall up and around my heart to not let anyone in. The downside about that whole thing is i was drowning in my sin. I told no one my story and no one ever knew, the reason why i never let people in is because like over, i don’t want to be screwed. I started to believe in a thing that i thought was gone. But the bible told me otherwise and i’m putting all my trust in God. I started to pray for my future so that my past would be lost. I found out he died for my sins for me and you, He gave his life on the cross. My life felt kind of changed because i found something with a lot more meaning. Almost as if my past was asleep and it stopped dreaming. I still have my troubles and my walls are breaking down. Believe when i say that part of my costume is this smile just covering up a enormous frown. Recently i’ve opened up and things seem to be looking good. But just like those scars, i’m the kid in the back covering my eyes with shades, fitted on, and like my wall, UP is my hood.